Holding On
by Lauraaaaa
Summary: set in Breaking dawn Bella has just died giving birth to renesmee, all edward wants to do is kill her, but can he kill his own child? and how would Bella react? One shot : my first :P please review :D Edward POV


**Disclaimer: I own known of the characters or anything, Stephanie Meyer does (N)**

**Okay so this is my first one shotter, i duno if i did it write or not :/ so tell me wat u think :D and FBTL readers, look at the end :)**

**Summary: In breaking dawn, Bella gives birth to Nessie, but dies in the process.**

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"B-b-b-Bella's...dead." The words barely tumbled out of my life. I couldn't think see, hear smell, nothing! Everything was over, everything was _gone._

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What was the point of living, when what you lived for was gone? How could you live? What was the point?

I couldn't even hear their gasps, couldn't feel their eyes bore into me, couldn't hear Alice's cries of pain; couldn't even feel my own pain.

All I could hear was _one baby crying._

The _murderer_, the one thing I loved nearly as much as Bella; the one thing that Bella loved just as much as me; the one thing that Bella would _die_ for. And that's what she did, _die_ for it.

I didn't know what to do. How to move. What was the point of movement when you had nothing to move towards? What was the point of being able to see, being able to hear and _smell_? When none of those things would _ever_ show me Bella.

I could feel the long sharp pain come when I thought of her_ beautiful_ name; it brought back so many memories, so _much_ heart break; and the _only_ way, the only way it would ever stop; was for me to stop. Stop completely.

Again the stupid thing crying woke me up from my thoughts, I wanted to strangle it; it didn't deserve its life! It was Bella's life she was living! Bella should be here, not _her_.

Without even thinking, I walked over to where Rosalie was cradling the baby, already liked she _owned_ her, just because Bella wasn't here! It should be Bella sitting their! Holding her _own_ daughter, not her; all of this just increased my anger and my pain.

I could feel my eyes glaring; and could see Rosalie's eyes mimicking mine, I didn't care. I snatched the baby off her, before she could react; ready to kill it, ready to kill the life that killed the only reason I had to live, the only thing that each day, made it the best day of my life; the only thing that was more beautiful than the sun, the moon, the whole universe! The only thing that had killed my life.

I held it, up in the arm only holding on to one of its stupid fingers, letting hang, I was about to drop her, do anything I could to hurt it, like it had hurt my Bella.

But then I looked directly into her eyes.

_Bella's_ eyes.

Bella's soft rosy cheeks, Bella's brown glorious hair; with a few streaks of bronze in it.

This was the only thing I had left of Bella, the only thing that were greater than my memories of her.

Then she managed to pull herself up onto my arm -she was strong, I still didn't help her though; she was trying to reach something on my face, but what? There was nothing there but anger and hatred for thing! Didn't she understand that?

All of sudden someone helped lift her, so she could touch my face, Rosalie I guessed, but I immediately flinched from the tiny hand, which was trying to touch my face. I could see in her beautiful chocolate swirl eyes that she was determined, as she tried to reach again. But I was too lost in her eyes, to move this time.

All of a sudden, I was seeing those eyes again, but they were slits, tortured, desperate eyes; looking right at me; as soon as they caught my eyes she smiled, smiled right at me. What was this? Was I dreaming, what was happening?

Suddenly I was being put on top of Bella, by some hands, which looked strangely like mine. Bella's eyes grew wider when she saw me and so did her smile; my heart ached at the sight of it; I then leant down and bit her? But why? What was going on?

Suddenly I was back in the room, all still just a big blur me to, expect Renesmee, who's hand was slowly moving away from my face. W-w-what had she done?

Then it hit me.

That was _Renesmee's memory_ she was showing me, but how? How did she do that?

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_Daddy?_ I heard a little girl whisper; but I knew that this whisper was not out loud, it was a thought, Renesmee's thought. _Where has she gone Daddy? Where has Mummy gone?_

And on cue to that, she burst out crying, but this time in real life. She was swaying side to side, but I knew it was just Rosalie swaying her, trying to calm her down.

I just shook my head, shook my head hard and backed away. How could I kill her? When she loved Bella that much. I knew from her previous thoughts how much she adored Bella, but did not think of this a few minutes ago.

And Bella would hate me, hate me so much if I killed her; she died for her, Bella loved her so much, and now I did too. But, but, this meant nothing, it didn't change the fact that Bella was dead. Nothing could ever change that. And I needed to process that thought in my head, before I could love the thing that killed her!

Still shaking my head, I turned around and ran, through the glass doors; across the river and through the woods; ran as fast as I could, so again I could not feel, see, hear or smell a thing. Ran until I did not know where I was, ran until I could not feel me anymore.

***

I don't know where I ended up, just somewhere away from_ anything_ that reminded me of Bella... or her _killer_.

I was in a cave, I knew that much; an empty grey cave; I could be alone with my thoughts here, I could grieve properly here; though I never think that I could ever _stop_ grieving on something that was everything! Just_everything._ I can't even explain how much of _everything_ she was! Everything I did was centred around her, every action or movement I did was for _her._ Now what could I do? There was nothing left for me to do, no point on living. Except Renesmee...

_I flinched. I could hear footsteps, running footsteps approaching, but sighed when I recognised the smell; and sunk deeper into my cave; hoping she wouldn't find me, but knowing that was a__ stupid_ idea.

"Edward, I know you are in there! And I _know_ you are alive, do _not_ make me come in there and get you!" She growled as she said it.

"Alice" I whispered the words, it felt weird talking, I hadn't in weeks, I hadn't used any of my sense in weeks; just sitting here in a ball, was all I could manage to do.

I heard her sigh, a sorrow sigh at my voice; and then felt her cold body next to me, she sighed again; obliviously feeling my sadness and tension.

"Edward, I, I don't know_ how_ you must be feeling; and I've been watching you _very_ carefully over the last few weeks, and never _once_ have you considered killing yourself. Well not properly anyway; what is it? What is making you stop killing yourself Edward? Last time when you knew Bella was dead, that's the first thing you did!" I wasn't expecting this, not this at all, sure sympathy LOTS of sympathy; but not this.

I thought what she said for a few moments, it was all the truth; there was always something stopping me, but what? I remembered back to the worst day of my whole existence, when Bella died; how angry and _dead_ I felt, especially knowing that this could of been stopped so easily. It was Renesme's fault; the thought of her name brought back her beautiful eyes and flushed cheeks, so much like Bella...

That's when I realised it was Renesmee who had stopped me; she was the only thing I had left of Bella, the only thing that I know Bella would hate me more then dying for her; would be to kill Renesmee or abandoned her; which was exactly what I did.

"Renesmee." I whispered, my voice breaking as I said her name.

I felt Alice tense by me, "Oh Edward you should see her!"Her voice had changed now, suddenly much happier- how, god HOW could she be happy?" She's so beautiful Edward, she looks so much like B-"I flinched at the name this time, making her stopping saying he name "And Edward she misses you, I know she wants you, no she craves you! She wants her_ Daddy_, so badly! It's all she even talks, well thinks about."

So they must of found out Renesmee's talent as well, I smiled at the thought. I actually smiled! I hadn't smiled in so long; it felt wrong, wrong without Bella there. I quickly regretted it.

"I...I... I guess I miss her _too._" It was the truth, I just hadn't realised it. Maybe Renesmee could be the one thing keeping me going through all of this? Looking after her would make Bella so happy, it would be the one thing that Bella would want me to do most, not sit here in a cave!

Suddenly Alice jumped up pulling me up with her; she was such a strong pixie to be so small!

"W...what?" was all I managed to say.

"Come on I just saw your future! You're planning on coming back! Well there's not time like the present!" she squealed, scaring me; it had been so long since I used my ears, or sight or _anything. _She then saw my horrified face at how surprised I was that she was so happy, she looked me direct in the eyes and said "Edward, don't you think for a second that I have _not_ grieved for Bella! I've spent the last few weeks doing exactly what you have done, but in my room. I didn't even talk to Jasper for a week! No one, Bella meant a LOT to me as well Edward! But you have got a daughter at home, a daughter who needs you to live! Literally, she has stopped eating, well drinking blood, until you come home! Edward she will _die_ without you, don't let her die to Edward! She's the _only_ thing that is going to keep you going through this!"

Again Alice was right; I _did_ need Renesmee, as much as she needed me by the sound of it. So I just nodded and went with Alice. It took a couple of days to get back home, I still didn't have a clue where I was, somewhere near South America, at a guess. We hunted as well; as neither of us had moved for the last couple of weeks, so did not eat as well. I felt better after "eating", my body was warmed up and started to function properly again

I felt inside me a weird emotion, an excited one; which I presumed was seeing Renesmee; of course the heart ache never left me, and never would; but this new feeling was welcomed as well.

We finally got home to Rosalie playing on the steps with a big baby, it was too big to be Renesmee, it wasn't even a baby any more. Alice's thoughts though explained to me how quickly "Nessie" was growing. Great, so they had already came up with a nickname for _my c_hild.

Not surprisingly I got greeted by a big glare from Rosalie, who instinctually picked up Nessie as soon as she saw me, hiding her beautiful face away from me. But Nessie knew who I was, and pushed Rosalie's hand away from the back of her head and smiled the biggest but lopsided grin I'd ever seen. She was _adorable,_ but looked soo much like Bella, that it pained me. I smiled back at her, not even realising I was.

My feet then, without my permission ran up to her, grabbing her from Rosalie and swinging her into my arms. She smiled even more.

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Daddy! She screamed mentally, oh Daddy I've missed you! Do you have Mummy with you, where is she? I want Mummy too! She started to cry again, but I quickly hushed her, why had no one told her about Bella?

"Darling, B-bel- Your Mummy, she, she died sweetheart, but it's okay, you and me are going to pull through this." I could hear that my voice sounded dead, but leant down and kissed her soft white skin, on her head. She started to cry again, her thoughts just screaming out Mummy. How could I of ever killed her? When she _loved B_ella just as much as I did! It wasn't her fault that Bella had died; I'd been stupid to blame her!

_I cradled her all night; talking to her nonstop; and she showed me all of her memories since I was away, it pained me again to see how much she had missed me, and what a let down of a Father I had been. We talked until she fell asleep, I instinctively hummed Bella's lullaby; which made me want to cry again, but of course I never__ would_ cry.

I decided that night, that no matter what, me and Nessie would _pull _through, we would do it for Bella and do it together, no matter what as long as we had each other we would be _fine._

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**A/N: Okay, sorry FBTL readers, i started to write this agesss ago and had an hour spare, so decided to complete it :)**

**i hope you like it, sorry if its kinda crap :L but PLEASE review:D and ty for zira for betaing :D**

**and OMG the italics will NOT save how I tell them to, so i apolgise, generally its meant to be renesmees thoughts which are in italic, so ssorry for the confusion! I did try :**

**btw OMG AT NEW MOON! IT WAS AMAZING! Whatta Marshmallow :L and aro's laugh ;) there was sme MEGA cheesy walking :L but still :) its a MUST see :D i can't wait to see it again :D**

**PLEASE REVIEW :D**

**thankyou :D **


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